Unlike the people from the CPT (Compton), people from the mean streets of the SWP (southwestern Pennsylvania) believe that life is much too short not to whine. Why hang tough and brush it off when grumbling about marginally irritating hardships makes it all better?
Pittsburghers like complaining about four things: construction, weather, spouses, and the Pirates. All complaints around Pittsburgh somehow revert back to one of these topics and how it has negatively and irreversibly impacted someone’s day, week, year, or life.
There are few things more important in a Pittsburgher’s life than being able to arrive at a social event with an elaborate reason why he/she is running late, doesn’t have food, has disheveled clothing, etc. These reasons not only cause Pittsburghers to declare that every day is the worst day of their life, but also create conversation at social events, which in turn leads to more complaining.
Pittsburgher 1: So I’m on 79, comin’ dahn here, and this jagoff stops short ‘cause PennDot’s rippin’ up the right lane and traffic’s jammed. I slammed my brakes, but my Jello salad flies right off the passenger seat and busts open. Now my glove compartment needs warshed.
Pittsburgher 2: Did you park dahn the street and walk up? You’re soaked. We had to move the party from the deck to the game room ‘cause of the rain.
Pittsburgher 1: Well, the jagoff weatherman said only 10% chance of showers. So I drive here with the covers off my T-top Camaro, ya know? And boom—starts pourin’ in traffic.
Pittsburgher 3: The Pirates game just got rain delayed in the sixth. They’re coverin’ the field now.
Pittsburgher 2: Whatever. They’re gonna lose anyway. That franchise needs to stop jaggin’ a’rahnd and buy some decent players.
Pittsburgher 1: Screw ‘em. Go Stillers! (cracks open an Iron City and chugs). Sixburgh!
Pittsburgher 2: You got beer and mud on the rug, jagoff. Maria’s gonna kill me.
Don’t be afraid to complain to a Pittsburgher. The proper complaining techniques will grant you Pittsburgher friends and numerous fruitless conversations. Remember: to successfully infiltrate an existing circle of Pittsburgh friends, don’t be too whiney. Pittsburghers thrive to have a worse day than you, and will be offended at mention of the contrary.
ajgrieco
