In Pittsburgh, clean-shaven faces are rare. Pittsburghers like supporting sports franchises in every part of their day-to-day life, which may include black-n-gold cupcakes or Super Bowl Sunday prayer services. Since a Pittsburgh sports team is seemingly always in the playoffs, Pittsburghers like to frequently grow ferocious playoff beards—the perfect accompaniment to their Sidney-Crosby-induced drooling.
Pittsburghers like to literally be passively aggressive. What better way to actively support a victory than to abstain from an activity (like shaving). Some call it laziness. Pittsburghers call it honor. John Lennon called it a “bed-in.”
The Pittsburgh playoff beard used to be an excuse to show up to the office with some scruff, but is now a cutthroat competition for club membership where those with patchy growth and non-connecting mustaches are ostracized. Pittsburghers have a bottomless immodesty and a militant instinct when it comes to their playoff beards. They like to prey on the weak, but still expect their cooperation in the pride (the boasting sense and the lion-pack sense).
Pittsburghers with full, bushy beard will endlessly make fun of those with the facial hair of a thirteen year old. Despite this, the easiest way to lose a Pittsburgher’s respect, and possibly be stabbed with a broken beer bottle, is to shave your playoff beard prematurely, no matter how prepubescent it may look. If you are lucky enough to grow a thick, illustrious beard, be prepared to defend it and its playoff-winning capabilities. A Pittsburgher will always be behind the office fern, waiting to pounce and display his mane as superior over yours.
ajgrieco
