#16 Taking Prom Pictures at Local Landmarks

Pittsburghers take pictures of everything.  So when Pittsburgh high school students go to the senior prom, their mothers demand photographic documentation of the evening, but only pictures classy enough for grandma’s coffee table will suffice.  Prom pictures taken in front of the backyard birdbath aren’t enough for a Pittsburgh mom.

They instruct their sons to give the limo driver a disposable camera, tip him twenty dollars, and request a full city tour, stopping at recognizable locations for photos before the actual dance. A photo shoot at PPG Plaza, a marginally attractive business area, is a regular limo stop during prom season.  Well trained Pittsburgh sons know that pictures near fountains are sophisticated.  Defiant sons will attempt to take photos in front of Hooters or homeless people in the name of rebellion.

Other tasteful locations include old Gothic-style churches, restored train stations, and the Roberto Clemente statue.  But the most elegant locale for a prom picture is Mt. Washington.  The proudest Pittsburgh mothers all have a framed picture of their child (and date) on a Mt. Washington overlook, with an illuminated downtown Pittsburgh as the backdrop, cascaded by a partly cloudy sunset.  This is the caviar of mantle decorations.

Note: If at a loss for where to go, ask your date.  Many Pittsburgh girls know the photo circuit well because most of them go to senior prom about three times, starting at age 14, as they often date much older boys. There are many 23 year olds at Pittsburgh proms, most of which are online-college students.

#12 Hating Cleveland

Pittsburghers like to hate Cleveland. Most ‘Burghers claim the hatred stems from the Browns-Steelers rivalry, but this reciprocated dislike must originate in deeper places.  There is one probable explanation:

Historically, Pittsburgh is a place of monopolies—ketchup, steel, Super Bowl Rings.  And up until 1796 when Cleveland was founded, Pittsburgh had a monopoly on run-down towns next to dirty waterways.  Pittsburghers hate copycats.  The vocal ridicule of Cleveland exists as a subconscious expression of self-loathing.

“Damn, you Cleveland! Your jobless economy, predominantly elderly population, and general dirty appearance are an embarrassment to this fine country. Hey… wait just a second—”

Who knows if that’s truly the reason, but it’s no secret that Pittsburghers are bloated with two things: Iron City Beer and pride.  And the easiest way to display pride for an area or group of people is to hate somewhere else.  You can even ask Germany.  Pittsburghers are the cockiest folks east of the Mississippi because they have the trophies to back it up, but that’s a-okay.

#5 Zombies

Just as Pittsburghers like anyone from the area, they also like anything made in Pittsburgh.  So basically, Pittsburgh pride is instilled solely in condiments and b-grade horror films. The landmark movie Night of the Living Dead was filmed in the ’Burgh in 1968, and since then the city’s been the hot locale for newer zombie flicks like Dawn of the Dead, Dawn’s remake, Land of the Dead, and Flashdance.

Remember: Pittsburgh is to zombie movies as New York is to Law & Order.

Pittsburghers like to neglect their duties as breadwinners and take several weeks off work to be extras in movies. (Enter Sudden Death reference here.) Pittsburghers have such good experience being lifeless that they are perfect for zombie movies.

Being a zombie extra is also a career booster for people who live in the South Side.  South Side residents are 95% hipsters and rarely have jobs outside of being an “art student.”  This gives otherwise useless urban vagabonds something to do that doesn’t involve original Nintendo, while wearing their same ratty clothing. (Note: Pittsburgh hipsters can be refered to as Pittsters.)

These films usually have open casting calls and accept anyone who isn’t in a wheelchair (maybe), but Pittsburghers still like to claim that they got their big brain-eating break by somehow knowing George A. Romero through “this guy my uncle works with.”

The easiest way to win over a Pittsburgher is to point out local zombie movie locations.  Say, “Isn’t that the shopping mall from Dawn of the Dead?”  A self respecting Pittsburgher will reply “yes,” but then ramble on about how his dad got to bite through someone’s neck but the scene didn’t make final cut.